Last week, I met a Western expat who had moved from Beijing to Kuala Lumpur with his partner. He learned about my occupation as a marriage and family therapist and asked, “do you think moving to a different country with your partner can inject a healthy fresh-start to your relationship?” Like many of my answers, I responded, “it depends.”
It depends on how negative the relationship was in the first place. If the relationship was already in a vulnerable state, moving to a new country would not mean moving away from the problems—the psychological and relational baggage gets checked-in along with the physical baggage. And when the stresses of adjusting to a new country begin to grow, the vulnerabilities of the relationship crack under the pressure, and the problems spew like dirty laundry erupting out of an overly stuffed luggage.
Family scholars would describe the above as the stress-vulnerability model applied to marriage relationships. According to this model, despite the exciting opportunities of expat-living, moving abroad can contribute stress to one’s marriage. For instance, finding appropriate housing, children adjusting to new schools, new unfamiliar languages, learning new directions, missing home, and not having much social support, can easily add stress to a relationship.
If a marriage was already struggling with personal issues such as depression or addictions, or relational issues such as jealousy or poor communication, adding in the stress of expatriation can seriously jeopardize the continuity of the marriage.
According to psychologist Guy Bodenmann’s stress-divorce model, chronic everyday stresses negatively affect relationship quality by (a) decreasing the frequency of time couples spend together; (b) decreasing the quality of marital communication; (c) increasing the risk of physical or psychological problems such as sexual dysfunctions and moods disorders; (d) increasing the expression of problematic personality traits. These processes result in mutual alienation in the couples, leading eventually to divorce.
After explaining the vulnerability-stress model to the Western expat who asked me if moving to a new country could give a couple a fresh-start, I asked him back as to why he asked the question. “Because that’s what I did with my girlfriend,” he replied.
“So, what happened?” I continued to probe, to which he answered with a shrug, “we broke up.”
Moving to a new country can negatively affect family relationships. What can couples do to prevent the stresses of living abroad from destroying their marriages? Here are three suggestions.
First, recognize that healthy relationships do not just happen—they need to be cultivated. Couples would do well to hold “weekly couple meetings” where they discuss and work on relationship and family matters with just as much seriousness as they would their professional work. In addition to weekly couple meetings, set aside date nights at least once, if not twice a month. During date nights, do not try to problem solve, but focus on having fun and romancing each other to upkeep the reservoir of positive memories.
Second, learn to communicate effectively. Learn to hear what the other person is saying, and give feedback to help them know that they have been heard correctly by paraphrasing what they said. Take turns being the speaker and the listener. This is especially important when talking about sensitive issues or hot topics. Learn how to speak and listen sensitively and respectfully.
Third, develop a network of social support to avoid feeling isolated. Many companies have expat services, gatherings, and other resources that can be helpful to family members adjusting to a new place, language, and culture—make use of these. Remember that it takes time and effort to cultivate new relationships.
By special invitation, Dr. Johnben Loy contributed the following article for the December 2010/January 2011 issue of EXPATALK, a newsletter for Global Outpost Expatriate Support Network.
(Click on this link to read the original article.)
